March, 2011: You Can Control That

My mother loves white beaches, rolling waves, and warm water, so each summer we joined the ranks of most of The South, packed up our car, and headed to Florida. Of course we always traveled by car, and, coming from personal experience, Texas is a large state, so these annual road trips meant some ten-plus hours nonstop that my brother, sister and I had to endure in the car together.  

Sharing a confined space, such as a car, requires a great deal of self-control, specifically body control. And so, on one of these voyages, when my younger brother, probably 5 years old at the time, had some digestive issues that caused him to become gassy, it pretty much caused general olfactory discomfort for the whole family. Instead of stopping the car for a bathroom break, hating to lose-out on the good time that we were making on the road, my father’s response was what is now one of his classic fatherly lines, “Now, son, you can control that.” After her outburst of laughter, my mother made him pull the car into the next available rest stop. She knew that sometimes, things escape our control.

Yes, if everyone could simply exercise total self-control, sharing small spaces—sharing the planet - would be easier. We want our children, our students, to learn and practice self-control, because they have a responsibility to others to do so.

Most all of our students are very successful in learning and practicing self-control, but what happens when a student is having trouble with this? What happens when your child comes home upset by something that another child did? What happens when your child is the one who has not practiced self-control and has upset another child or has impeded the learning time of his or her class? These are very challenging and complex situations for everyone involved; this is the reality of sharing space, and it is very hard.

So, what do we do? We start, just like our vision says, by collaborating. We have regular class meetings in which children have voice to talk about and solve problems. Research shows us that the most powerful way to eliminate ongoing bullying is to empower children and give them voice, to validate how they feel, and to create spaces in which other children develop empathy.

 At times it is needed to develop individual plans that recognize growth towards better self-control, as well as consequences that are respectful, related, and reasonable. For example, if a student has trouble working at a table with a group, it makes sense to allow that student to have their own work space—to be successful individually and then add on the component of sharing a work space. We also have a team of mentors and coaches who role play, mediate, reflect, interact and support students on a regular basis.

We communicate with parents about concerns as we become aware of them, and when we can do more or better, we are open to recognize this and to make changes. Sometimes we consider flexible groupings or alternative schedules and spaces that help children develop the self-control that they need. We work in teams with our teachers, parents, educational psychologist, coaches, and many times outside doctors and experts, to develop the best plan that allows each and every child to achieve success.

We also honor students who do well in their self-control and behavior choices by awarding President’s Citizenship Awards, as well as allowing children to benefit from the many privileges that come with demonstrating self-control, like visiting the Media Center and attending other special activities independently.

Cultivating a community that values self-control is a team effort. We don’t give up on children and we don’t want others to be victimized, all the while providing a challenging and enriching educational experience. It is an incredibly challenging balance to achieve. When your child comes home with a concern about another child, talk about it. Share your knowledge of concerns with your child’s teacher. If a teacher approaches you with concerns about your child, please listen and share your insights about your child.

Together, taping into each child’s strengths, we can help children to develop self-control and change behaviors. If parents and teachers feel that additional support is needed to solve conflicts, you can include myself , our educational psychologist, Aidalida Moses, and our educational coaches in the process. We want children to be successful both academically and socially, and we cannot do this without everyone working together. Together succeed.